Funny Status Updates for MSN and Facebook   

Funny Status Updates for Facebook & MSN: Top 150


ID#:16 | Rating: 2143 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?
ID#:167 | Rating: 2022 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Funny_man
Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children
ID#:71 | Rating: 1050 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.
ID#:168 | Rating: 868 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Lyndsey 247
Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.
ID#:134 | Rating: 753 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: firestarter
Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a minute; set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
ID#:193 | Rating: 571 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: j3n
A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend
ID#:180 | Rating: 468 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: ......
If your name was homework, i'de be doing you on my desk right now
ID#:131 | Rating: 439 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Mitch
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't
ID#:5 | Rating: 375 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
The Internet: All the piracy, none of the scurvy.
ID#:178 | Rating: 334 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: TheQ
The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
ID#:233 | Rating: 332 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
Baby, I didn't mean it like that... Everybody knows Ho is short for Honey
ID#:154 | Rating: 310 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.
ID#:152 | Rating: 294 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: killer
if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
ID#:38 | Rating: 290 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
He didn't know if it was a gun in her pocket or she was just pleased to see him, but neither option looked good.
ID#:103 | Rating: 290 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
I cry during sex.... fucking Mace
ID#:150 | Rating: 263 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: killer
Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
ID#:72 | Rating: 253 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
ID#:187 | Rating: 245 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Becca
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
ID#:39 | Rating: 226 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives
ID#:133 | Rating: 217 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Granty
Anyone can quit smoking, it takes a real man to fight cancer
ID#:162 | Rating: 212 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: killer
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
ID#:176 | Rating: 198 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: TheQ
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
ID#:199 | Rating: 192 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
I put the sexy in dyslexic.
ID#:14 | Rating: 189 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.
ID#:11 | Rating: 183 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
Your mum is so fat, she walked past the TV and i missed the first season of Lost.
ID#:88 | Rating: 180 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster
ID#:68 | Rating: 163 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Johnsee
I still miss my ex-girlfriend... but my aim is improving
ID#:173 | Rating: 163 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Alaska76v
putting the laughter back into manslaughter
ID#:175 | Rating: 156 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
ID#:231 | Rating: 155 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Chilv
What do you call a psychic midget that escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
ID#:203 | Rating: 153 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: That guy
Girls are like square numbers, if they're under 13 just do them in your head.
ID#:165 | Rating: 152 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Jorgo
Cancel my subscription caused I'm over your issues!
ID#:169 | Rating: 149 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Lyndsey247
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.
ID#:227 | Rating: 149 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
ID#:115 | Rating: 146 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Mitch
Women are like wild animals, if you keep feeding them, they'll keep coming back for more!
ID#:164 | Rating: 138 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Sniugnep
Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, whern you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.
ID#:147 | Rating: 129 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Ed
Tennis is a fickle sport. No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.
ID#:74 | Rating: 127 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Skeleetor
Gonna buy 400 sheets of A4 and unleash my ORIGARMY! FLY YOU CRAZY SWANS FLY!
ID#:159 | Rating: 126 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Granty
If we're all God's children, what makes Jesus so special?
ID#:189 | Rating: 126 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Nemo
God: An invisible friend for adults
ID#:127 | Rating: 124 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
ID#:137 | Rating: 124 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Hmmm
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
ID#:85 | Rating: 122 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: beeej
My greatest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality....
ID#:261 | Rating: 122 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Thrashmandicoot
The best part about you ran down your mom's leg.
ID#:143 | Rating: 120 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
You\'re like a slinky - completely useless, but fun to push down stairs.
ID#:171 | Rating: 115 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: crispy
The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
ID#:235 | Rating: 115 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
Magic is a tricky thing.
ID#:186 | Rating: 110 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: A$H
What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?
ID#:148 | Rating: 102 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: ader10
Screw me if I'm wrong, but have we met before?
ID#:232 | Rating: 100 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Pindi
Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."
ID#:81 | Rating: 97 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Granty
Life is like an analogy.
ID#:170 | Rating: 95 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: davidoff
Sometimes I wake up moody; other times I let her sleep
ID#:182 | Rating: 92 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Sunny
"Practise makes perfect"...but no one's perfect, so why practise?
ID#:201 | Rating: 87 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: coupland
In retrospect, I suppose "supercalafragalisticexpialadocious" wasn't a great "safe word..."
ID#:51 | Rating: 86 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Johnsee
I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up i will just hit them all at once.
ID#:67 | Rating: 85 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Johnsee
This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home...
ID#:52 | Rating: 84 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
coffee just isn't my cup of tea
ID#:13 | Rating: 82 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
If my hand could get pregnant, today I would be the father and founder of the third global superpower.
ID#:90 | Rating: 81 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Granty
The last time someone listened to a Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years
ID#:241 | Rating: 75 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
Man with dick in peanut butter is fucking nuts
ID#:26 | Rating: 74 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Johnsee
A man went to a zoo. The only animal was a dog. It was a shitzu.
ID#:181 | Rating: 74 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Skatespeare
A little necrophelia never killed anyone
ID#:216 | Rating: 73 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Weakly News
TORNADO RIPS THROUGH CEMETARY, HUNDREDS DEAD
ID#:153 | Rating: 72 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: killer
Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
ID#:184 | Rating: 72 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Dangputer.com
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
ID#:79 | Rating: 71 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Skeleetor
Girls are like paladins, they get mounts for free :(
ID#:200 | Rating: 71 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: ss4199
I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.
ID#:163 | Rating: 67 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: teh_stealthiestninja
For Sale: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britainica. Never read because wife already knows everything
ID#:183 | Rating: 67 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Jacob Mann
Womens faults are many, while men have only two. Everything they say and everything they do.
ID#:222 | Rating: 67 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
Man who smokes weed on toilet is high on pot.
ID#:129 | Rating: 66 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Keys
When shooting a mime, don't use a silencer or his friends will hear you.
ID#:135 | Rating: 66 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Xofer
When I said 'death' before 'dishonor,' I meant alphabetically.
ID#:69 | Rating: 65 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Johnsee
You're about as useful as a one-legged man in an arse kicking contest.
ID#:157 | Rating: 65 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: ZKato
I'm putting the "Sensual" in "Non-Consensual"
ID#:190 | Rating: 63 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
Being dyslexic has drawbacks.I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat
ID#:84 | Rating: 62 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Granty
Sex is not the answer, "Sex?" is the question... "Yes" is the answer
ID#:213 | Rating: 58 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
Faith may move mountains but it was the whip that built the pyramids.
ID#:126 | Rating: 56 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Corn
You're special. Like, wear-a-helmet-all-the-time special.
ID#:166 | Rating: 54 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Thorby
Bulimia: twice the taste, none of the calories
ID#:236 | Rating: 54 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: razor cc atu
Procrastination is like masturbation; It's all fun and games until you realize you're just fucking yourself.
ID#:194 | Rating: 51 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Snipergen
Without me, it's just aweso
ID#:34 | Rating: 50 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
"If I build it, they will come." - God, on the creation of the clitoris.
ID#:63 | Rating: 50 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
I'd like to meet the person who invented sex, and see what they're working on now.
ID#:160 | Rating: 50 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Gringo Mazatleco
If a man makes a statement in a forest, and there's no woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?
ID#:239 | Rating: 50 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter:
Hey dude! I named my iPod "The Titanic". Then when I plugged it to the computer it read “The Titanic is synching”
ID#:116 | Rating: 48 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Saveon
He who laughs last probably does not get the joke
ID#:156 | Rating: 48 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Niborg
If you are what you eat, then I'm fast, cheap and easy
ID#:207 | Rating: 48 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Skyscraper
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
ID#:212 | Rating: 48 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: ebenmill
Baseball is wrong. A man with 4 balls cannot walk.
ID#:208 | Rating: 47 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Skyscraper
I used to think I was indecisive but now I'm not so sure.
ID#:218 | Rating: 45 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: GNARLY DUDE!
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a carton. Coincidence? I think not!
ID#:124 | Rating: 45 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: spriggan
So a baby seal walks into a club..
ID#:219 | Rating: 44 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Damion420
Feed a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day...Feed a fish a man and you'll feed him for weeks
ID#:244 | Rating: 43 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Ph3
Necrophelia: the irresistable urge to crack open a cold one.
ID#:251 | Rating: 43 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: harbuthnot
Are hermaphrodites ambisextrous ?
ID#:111 | Rating: 40 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Keys
brb has lost all meaning... since when did brb mean "be back in 4 hours after lunch"
ID#:57 | Rating: 39 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
It appears the location of my fist and your head are not mutually exclusive! It is a probability miracle!
ID#:114 | Rating: 39 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Keys
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it
ID#:224 | Rating: 39 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: JD280
The only reason Barbie never got pregnant, was Ken came in a different box.
ID#:226 | Rating: 39 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: JonahTheWhale
I used to be into bestiality, necrophelia and BDSM. Then I realised I was just flogging a dead horse.
ID#:211 | Rating: 37 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: BuddyChrist
Jesus died for your sins, but rose for your brains.
ID#:221 | Rating: 37 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
If a schizophrenic person threatens to commit suicide is it a hostage situation?
ID#:104 | Rating: 36 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Granty
Duct tape is like ‘the force, it has a dark side, a light side and it holds the universe together
ID#:92 | Rating: 35 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Granty
I like my women the way i like my coffee; Ground up and in the freezer
ID#:257 | Rating: 35 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Rwaters
Is oral sex a taste of things to come?
ID#:91 | Rating: 34 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
Don't drink water - fish have sex in it
ID#:80 | Rating: 34 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Granty
I miss you like a retard misses the point
ID#:246 | Rating: 34 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Uncle Taters
If a person has sex with a prostitute while she's sleeping, is it rape or shoplifting?
ID#:36 | Rating: 33 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Johnsee
For Xmas I want Santa's list of naughty girls.
ID#:188 | Rating: 33 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: TheTintGuy
Dyslexics Of The World Untie
ID#:228 | Rating: 33 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
If money doesn't grow on trees, how come banks have branches?
ID#:113 | Rating: 31 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: zzdan
The preacher said "You always have the lord by your side" - I was so pleased to be informed of this I ran 20 red lights home!
ID#:21 | Rating: 28 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
Shakespeare says: "Prose before hos."
ID#:8 | Rating: 26 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
I USE CAPS LOCK BECAUSE I WILL BECOME NOTICED, POPULAR, AND GOOD IN BED
ID#:108 | Rating: 26 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Mitch
I couldn't afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive, and steel wool.
ID#:206 | Rating: 26 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Daanigma
Never trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die.
ID#:217 | Rating: 25 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: FunnelWeb
I'm so confused I'm not sure if I lost my horse or found a rope
ID#:83 | Rating: 24 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Phil
I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself.
ID#:253 | Rating: 24 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: pfaz
Capitalization is important: Go help your Uncle Jack off a horse...or...Go help your uncle jack off a horse
ID#:56 | Rating: 23 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
If I was ever playing hide-and-go-seek I would want Anne Frank on my team.
ID#:250 | Rating: 23 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
If Pinocchio said "My nose will grow now" Would it grow?
ID#:107 | Rating: 21 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Mitch
I was going to procrastinate. But I decided to leave it till later.
ID#:20 | Rating: 19 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
The Stock Market Drinking Game! - Invest all your money, lose it, and become an alcoholic!
ID#:191 | Rating: 19 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: thedude
I told the butcher I'd give him £10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf. He said he couldn't. The steaks were too high
ID#:10 | Rating: 18 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
Champagne for my real friends, and real pain for my sham friends.
ID#:27 | Rating: 18 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Johnsee
After an oil spill in Antartica, Penguins are now worth $82 a barrel
ID#:30 | Rating: 18 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
the internet... where women are men and 12 year old boys are FBI agents
ID#:54 | Rating: 18 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
Girls, n: They are said to be deadly & have been known to ruin lives with 4 simple words, "let's just be friends."
ID#:130 | Rating: 18 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Keys
Why do we call them buildings when they're finished? Shouldn't they be called Builts?
ID#:155 | Rating: 18 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Sniugnep
When life gives you lemons, cut them in half and squirt life in the eye!
ID#:61 | Rating: 17 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
SARS: the "Mambo Number Five" of global epidemics.
ID#:102 | Rating: 17 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
The axiom of Paris Hilton: "I must go down on what comes up."
ID#:106 | Rating: 17 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Mitch
Why is fast food so popular? I thought u weren't supposed to eat while fasting?
ID#:70 | Rating: 16 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Johnsee
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
ID#:195 | Rating: 15 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
You know you have a small apartment when Coco Pops echo
ID#:62 | Rating: 13 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Johnsee
Five seconds later, I'm getting the upside of 15Kv across the nipples. (These ambulance guys sure know how to party).
ID#:18 | Rating: 12 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
That's about as much fun as a game of Marco Polo with Helen Keller.
ID#:24 | Rating: 12 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
My love is so great that a thousand men could not keep me from stalking you.
ID#:76 | Rating: 12 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Skeleetor
My testicles just dropped.....WITH A VENGENCE
ID#:86 | Rating: 12 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: spriggan
RU486- One day it might save me a lot of money
ID#:99 | Rating: 12 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Mitch
RU469?????? - Wouldn't You Rather That Pill??
ID#:202 | Rating: 12 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
Two hats on a rack, one says to another, "You stay here, I'll go on ahead.
ID#:230 | Rating: 12 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Bloxor
Studies have shown that 1 in every 49.5 people is an amputee.
ID#:75 | Rating: 10 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Skeleetor
This is almost as enthralling as a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder
ID#:109 | Rating: 10 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Mitch
If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?
ID#:237 | Rating: 10 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Anonymous
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
ID#:98 | Rating: 9 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: zzdan
In a world full of women, you're the man!
ID#:256 | Rating: 5 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Shane
Procrastinating is like masturbaiting, its good at the start, but by the end you realised you just fucked yourself.
ID#:9 | Rating: 3 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
I got cold hard cash for Christmas. Five bucks frozen in a block of ice.
ID#:55 | Rating: 3 Vote Down Vote Up Submitter: Doc
The most effective copyright protection known to man: a scratched CD.